customer support

"Welcome to Restrictless Outsourcing, where we can supply you with any service guaranteed. This is Candy speaking."

"Oh, hi Candy, I'm calling about my RoboWife, she seems to be malfunctioning..."

"Sir, before we begin, may I have your name?"

"Jeff Tully"

"Sorry, there is no Jeff Tully in our database. Could your account possibly be under another name?"

"I don't think so."

"Well, there is a Jeffrey Tully in our system. Could that possibly be you?"

"Yes, I think it is. Most people call me Jeff."

"Well, we don't. May I have your social security number Jeffrey."

"Yeah, 234-34-9867."

"Good, and your home address, just to verify."

"1020 N Vista, Apartment 3"

"Street or avenue Jeffrey?"

"Street."

"Jeffrey, how may we help you?"

"It's my RoboWife, she seems to be on the Fritz."

"What exactly do you mean by on the Fritz?"

"The RoboWife I purchased from your company is completely out of control."

"Have you tried visiting our customer support website, it has all of the infor..."

"Yes, and believe me, your site doesn't begin to cover this!"

"Are you sure, because..."

"Listen to me, my RoboWife is seriously defective and if you don't help me right now, I'm going to self publish a blog site that will tell people not to use your product. And believe me you, I know a thing or two about site ranking... Anytime a person Googles RoboWife, my blog will pop right up and then people will..."

"Sir, please, I'm sure we can help you."

"That's more like it."

"Could you explain the malfunction of the RoboWife?"

"She refuses to do any housecleaning, at no time does she ever live up to the salesman's promise that she'll perform conjugal duties at the drop of a hat. She screams obscenities at me when I try to speak with her. She disappears for days on end, just this last time I found her at a bar on the docks, where she apparently has no problem performing conjugal duties with sailors and dockworkers. And, I'm pretty sure she used my credit card to buy new clothes."

"It says here that you purchased the RoboMaid 4566G on May 5th 2004."

"No, the RoboWife... LX!"

"RoboWife you say?"

"Yes!"

"Well, there's your problem."

"Let me guess, I got a lemon."

"Worse, it's only 2004 sir, there's no such thing as a RoboWife."

"Really?"

"We're not even close to launching a RoboWife line sir."

"You sure I didn't get a prototype?"

"Sir, have you seen the RoboMaid, it's pretty much a glorified shopvac slash erector set. Now, where how you think we're going to make the leap from vacuum cleaners with one metal arm that spritzes Windex to 200,000,000 Gigabyte Robotic wife that has the supermodel looks and fashion sense Frederique but has the personality of a contented eighteenth century slave?

"Well, then what did that guy sell me?"

"He sold you a whore sir."

"Oh, that explains a lot."

"Well, thank you for calling tullyvision. Is there anything else we can help you with?"

"No... Honey, put down the crackpipe."

"Would you like to give us your email address, so we can send you updates of our newest products and services?"

"Like when the RoboWife is available?"

"Not in your life sir."

"Damn. Honey! Do you guys sell fire extinguishers?"